Monday, March 12, 2012

Telling Myself It's All Worth It

You know that feeling where you kick something so hard many many times to lose feeling it your foot?
It somehow feels relevant to when i start explaining my heart to you.
I got so used to you and your emotions i had to keep my heart hurting.
Well not anymore.

You know that feeling of calling someone and you start making beats to the caller ringtone cause they dont pick up. And you know that.
They give you hope, crush it down right infront of you and you know you cant see them cry so you dust yourself off and walk away.

Have you ever felt like you're staring into very sad eyes and you want to just give the person a hug but you know that's not wise to do.
The feeling of guilt knowing you probably don't have the same feelings for the person as he or she has for you.
You watch as they try to impress you with whatever they have yet it's still not enough.
The feelings aren't there and you just can't explain why.

Have you ever felt so angry you clenched your fists and your head gets lighter. You feel so light, you can fly across the room and smash someone across their head?
Yeah me too.
Knowing the person was someone amazing. But that was before.
Knowing you looked up to her sometimes. But that was before.
She isn't the same but she will be soon.
Baby steps.

Have you ever felt so helpless, you wanted to crawl into a hole and die just to make things work easier and better.
You watch as something so strong withers into something fragile and weak and you can't do anything.
You try yourself to prevent it but you know you can't.
Cause no one and nothing can prevent the fate of everyone.
No one can prevent death.

Have you ever felt so unappreciated, you just leave and never come home just to let them tell the difference.
You feel like getting out is the best way and you don't ever want to come back.
You rather be with your friends than your family.
Cause for a little while, the burden on your shoulders feel lighter.
And you like that feeling and get used to it just to go back to it.
Cause you know, it's not what you want but what you need.
Then you crumble to the floor and return in a different state of mind.

But then,

Do you know the feeling of warm a special hug on a cold morning day.
Followed by some home-cooked breakfast and some good movies on the screen.
The feeling of a smile burning it's way into the side of your cheek.
The feeling of your heart smiling and being happy.
The feeling you get when you hold his hands, smell his perfume, watch him focusing.
Just staring into his eyes with so much promises and love.
His eyes that shine so bright when you're with him.
Those same eyes that forgave you time and time again.
He holds you close and you wished you could freeze it in time and just never let go.
Like you were so content you didn't mind dying at that exact time.
You feel like everything else can wait.
The way his hair flops around when he runs or the way he smile when he catches a glimpse of you watching.
How supportive he is in whatever you want to do.
He helps you with your work, your family, your friends.
He's flexible with you, he's caring, he's gentle, he's perfect for you.
You can tell him anything and talk to him about everything.
He makes you laugh and he genuinely puts a smile on your face.
That feeling, hold onto it.
Cause just like most feelings, they'll fade away, evaporate.
Love it, live it and hold onto it.
Cause even if you want it again, you'll never get it back.

Think about it.
Till then,


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