Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Ya'll Smoke To Enjoy, I Smoke To Die

Last night I found myself tossing and turning having difficulties in shutting myself down. I kept staring into space blanking out just to snap myself back to reality realising I'm still awake. I thought of a million and one things. They crossed my mind racing around one thought after another. Not really staying for long. One thought stayed for a maximum of 10 second each. I felt a little confused and restless. I tried shutting my eyes to force my lids to stay closed but I ended up staring right back to the ceiling failing the attempt to sleep.

Last night, I found myself weighing out the outcome of my life and the things I've ever said. Conscious or unconscious. Meant or not. Everything I have ever said and the intentions behind them. I thought of all the things I wished I could take back and the things I couldn't be happier to have said. Things I thought to say and forgot to say them. Things I ended just blurting out.

Will all I have ever said come back biting me in the ass?

I never care about what people think or have thought of me. I just always cared about what I thought of myself and what I think about myself. I may just be my own harshest judge. My own mind is both my power and weakness. Like a fight I constantly have to fight everyday. Telling myself one thing to another. It's as if I am one person with two minds to think. Like there are two voices constantly changing their minds and making me believe them both. One says I am worthless and one says I'm worth a million dollars.

I'll never understand myself nor will anyone I know. No one knows me because even I don't know myself. Oh well. I got my whole life to get to know you.

Till I find something new. Loves!

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