Ya'll Smoke To Enjoy, I Smoke To Die

Last night I found myself tossing and turning having difficulties in shutting myself down. I kept staring into space blanking out just to snap myself back to reality realising I'm still awake. I thought of a million and one things. They crossed my mind racing around one thought after another. Not really staying for long. One thought stayed for a maximum of 10 second each. I felt a little confused and restless. I tried shutting my eyes to force my lids to stay closed but I ended up staring right back to the ceiling failing the attempt to sleep.

Last night, I found myself weighing out the outcome of my life and the things I've ever said. Conscious or unconscious. Meant or not. Everything I have ever said and the intentions behind them. I thought of all the things I wished I could take back and the things I couldn't be happier to have said. Things I thought to say and forgot to say them. Things I ended just blurting out.

Will all I have ever said come back biting me in the ass?

I never care about what people think or have thought of me. I just always cared about what I thought of myself and what I think about myself. I may just be my own harshest judge. My own mind is both my power and weakness. Like a fight I constantly have to fight everyday. Telling myself one thing to another. It's as if I am one person with two minds to think. Like there are two voices constantly changing their minds and making me believe them both. One says I am worthless and one says I'm worth a million dollars.

I'll never understand myself nor will anyone I know. No one knows me because even I don't know myself. Oh well. I got my whole life to get to know you.

Till I find something new. Loves!

"What's your horoscope sign?"

Things are bumpy now. And frankly baby, it's gonna get worse. Life is like the roller coaster everyone looks at from a far thinking "That looks crazy enough for me to enjoy." Life is a constant up and down. Whether we enjoy it or whether it makes us sick, we get down from it with a whole lot of different thoughts running through our minds. All different thoughts from one another.

I think about all I have gone through and all my ups and downs and I would love to say I did all I could but I didn't. I didn't make the people I wanted to stay stay and I never shunned the people I wanted to leave soon enough. I kept waiting for something. Something until today I wonder if it would have helped or not. Either way, it's gone and things happened already. There is nothing I can do about what has happened but I want to believe I'll make a difference in the choices I will make to help what will happen.

I want to believe I have made something of myself since I was younger. Honestly, I do feel the change. It isn't a vast difference but it is something. Day by day, I'll grow and be more of the someone I wish to be someday. I got my eyes on my goals and I'll charge towards it without turning back.

Until the next time, goodnight moon and goodnight you and you're all I think about. All that I dream about.

I've Learned To Face My Demons

Hey guys!

Sorry I haven't been blogging. It's only because my laptop died few months ago and I haven't had the time, money or will power to beg my dad for another one. Even now, I'm blogging through my phone which I must add is VERY hard! I've missed blogging so much. So here I am. Attempting to explain to all my followers how my life has been.

Finals are over and this year is slowly reaching to and end too. I did pretty good for finals considering I didn't work as hard as I should have. But! The results I got is just an excuse to do better next year.

Pheeewww! This year has been the ultimate best for me. Not saying that it hasn't been hard, but it has been the most memorable. This year, I found out things about me I never knew existed. I found a group of girls I now call my bestfriends. These girls are so different yet they compliment each other so well. They are all unique and strong and I can't be anymore luckier to have had met them.

I also found my new source of inspiration. Ahmad Arif. He's my bestfriend, boyfriend and soul-mate. He makes life worth believing in again. I'll post pictures up soon kay?

For now, I got birds in my ears and a devil on my shoulder.

Loves!