Ya'll Smoke To Enjoy, I Smoke To Die

Last night I found myself tossing and turning having difficulties in shutting myself down. I kept staring into space blanking out just to snap myself back to reality realising I'm still awake. I thought of a million and one things. They crossed my mind racing around one thought after another. Not really staying for long. One thought stayed for a maximum of 10 second each. I felt a little confused and restless. I tried shutting my eyes to force my lids to stay closed but I ended up staring right back to the ceiling failing the attempt to sleep.

Last night, I found myself weighing out the outcome of my life and the things I've ever said. Conscious or unconscious. Meant or not. Everything I have ever said and the intentions behind them. I thought of all the things I wished I could take back and the things I couldn't be happier to have said. Things I thought to say and forgot to say them. Things I ended just blurting out.

Will all I have ever said come back biting me in the ass?

I never care about what people think or have thought of me. I just always cared about what I thought of myself and what I think about myself. I may just be my own harshest judge. My own mind is both my power and weakness. Like a fight I constantly have to fight everyday. Telling myself one thing to another. It's as if I am one person with two minds to think. Like there are two voices constantly changing their minds and making me believe them both. One says I am worthless and one says I'm worth a million dollars.

I'll never understand myself nor will anyone I know. No one knows me because even I don't know myself. Oh well. I got my whole life to get to know you.

Till I find something new. Loves!

"What's your horoscope sign?"

Things are bumpy now. And frankly baby, it's gonna get worse. Life is like the roller coaster everyone looks at from a far thinking "That looks crazy enough for me to enjoy." Life is a constant up and down. Whether we enjoy it or whether it makes us sick, we get down from it with a whole lot of different thoughts running through our minds. All different thoughts from one another.

I think about all I have gone through and all my ups and downs and I would love to say I did all I could but I didn't. I didn't make the people I wanted to stay stay and I never shunned the people I wanted to leave soon enough. I kept waiting for something. Something until today I wonder if it would have helped or not. Either way, it's gone and things happened already. There is nothing I can do about what has happened but I want to believe I'll make a difference in the choices I will make to help what will happen.

I want to believe I have made something of myself since I was younger. Honestly, I do feel the change. It isn't a vast difference but it is something. Day by day, I'll grow and be more of the someone I wish to be someday. I got my eyes on my goals and I'll charge towards it without turning back.

Until the next time, goodnight moon and goodnight you and you're all I think about. All that I dream about.

I've Learned To Face My Demons

Hey guys!

Sorry I haven't been blogging. It's only because my laptop died few months ago and I haven't had the time, money or will power to beg my dad for another one. Even now, I'm blogging through my phone which I must add is VERY hard! I've missed blogging so much. So here I am. Attempting to explain to all my followers how my life has been.

Finals are over and this year is slowly reaching to and end too. I did pretty good for finals considering I didn't work as hard as I should have. But! The results I got is just an excuse to do better next year.

Pheeewww! This year has been the ultimate best for me. Not saying that it hasn't been hard, but it has been the most memorable. This year, I found out things about me I never knew existed. I found a group of girls I now call my bestfriends. These girls are so different yet they compliment each other so well. They are all unique and strong and I can't be anymore luckier to have had met them.

I also found my new source of inspiration. Ahmad Arif. He's my bestfriend, boyfriend and soul-mate. He makes life worth believing in again. I'll post pictures up soon kay?

For now, I got birds in my ears and a devil on my shoulder.

Loves!

And All In Once I Stop Caring

I dread the day you come back and i'll have to go back to feeling again.
I hope this is what you wanted.

If It's Not Like The Movies, That's How It Should Be

Feel like forever since i last blogged. Sorry guys.
Well nothing much has changed and i feel content about it.

Life's a bittersweet puzzle i keep having to put together every day.

Lucky me.

I really have nothing to say at the moment.
I'll blog something amazing soon alright.

And I Swore I Saw You Smile

The pain in your heart, i understand why it's there.
You try to let go of it telling yourself you'll be okay.
The little percent of hate you have towards me.
I know it hurts and i know it'll take time.
The way you can open your heart and let out emotions that i have always been too scared to show.
The energy and hard-work you put into everything you do.

My point is I'm Sorry.

I'll Kill Anyone Who Tries To Hurt You Because That's My Job And Only Mine

This post is dedicated to the most important person in this whole world.
The person i will kill for and die without.
She's my bestfriend, my soul-mate, my older sister.
She has been there for me through highest high and lowest lows.
She is my strength, my laugher, the core of my happiness.
She is my confidence, my self-esteem, my most harshest judge.
She is strong, intelligent, brave, loving, caring, passionate and one of a kind.
She makes me believe in everything impossible and make them possible.
She is the reason i wake up everyday.
She is the reason my life is complete.
She is the key ingredient in my life.
She made me who i am today.
She has never left my side even when i was telling her to go away.

She's Sharifah Aleysha and she's my heart, my soul and the reason for my existence.

I love you so much, Sha.
Although i don't show it as much, believe that i do.

If I Tell You, I'd Have To Kill You

So when the sun is up, we'll laugh about how we need to get some sleep.

And we'll count down the days we have left.

Try to remember what happened and who came and left.

Finding out things about ourself we never knew.

Sleeping over, getting into trouble, having fun.

We need this cause but not for long.

When we get back to wherever we need to be, we'll keep these memories.

I'm tired and my body can barely take it anymore.

Shhh, i have to focus.

I have to be professional and keep it cool.

It feels like a decade but it's been two days.
My eye bags are growing every second.

This is the life!

Put Your Troubles Aside

Bittersweet End To The Spell You Cast On Me

I could easily break your heart, let you go, make you cry.
I could easily make your heart bleed with pain and misery.
I could easily turn your life into a living hell and torture you inside and out.
I could simply tell you how worthless you really are and make your smiles never see the light of day ever again.
I can easily tell you the undying true story of how no one actually cares about you.
I can easily tell you your life's story of once upon a time and the end and explain in detail that you're nothing more that a piece of dirt stuck to the bottom of my very dirty heel.
I can simply show you how easy it is to find another you seeing it's easy finding a complete nobody.
I can easily shatter your hopes and dreams so finely you'd only pray to try and pick yourself up again.
I can easily lift your spirits up so high and let them go in a blink of an eye just to break them into tiny little miserable pieces.
I can easily jump start your life wires and pull the chords off the power source just to show how easy you are to ruin.
I can do so many things to you and i can easily break you so far down you won't want to get up.


But watching you fail all by yourself feels better.

Treat Them Like Dirt They'll Forever Stick To The Bottom Of Your Shoes

One day you'll wake-up and realise how much you miss me and you'll realise all the bad things you've ever done to me.
You'll want to fix everything or take your words back.
You'll want to try and get my forgiveness or try to erase all our memories you shattered when you threw my heart out the window.

One day you'll get out of bed and realise all your t-shirts smell like me and the ones that don't are with me.
You'll try and give me back the stuff i ever gave you.
You'll want to burn the letters or ignore the pictures i gave you.
You'll want to try and delete my phone number and try to forget the fact you memorised it already.

One day you'll look in the mirror and not recognise yourself for you have lost all your self-esteem.
You'll want to try and pick yourself up but you fail knowing i was the only glue pulling you together.
You'll want to get out of bed but find yourself struggling to even roll over from the depression that's taking over you body from knowing the sins you have committed.

One day, all i have ever done for you or to you makes sense.
But it'll be too late and all you have is cuts on your wrist from all your regrets.
And i have moved on and i never looked back.
Cause putting you in the past was a choice and it was the best i've ever made.

I can now look up to the sky, watch the clouds and breath in clean air.
I feel no more pain and the air around me is clean once again.


And we all know who wins this round, kid.

Sweets

If it isn't obvious enough now, i already forgave you.
How can i stay angry at you? Right?
We always have fun and really that's all we need.
We just need to be there for each other.
Who cares about the status?
We'll create our own rules.
Who cares who ever says right?
We know who we are and we know what we want.
You'll be fine i know, but some things just need to be helped okay?

So don't hesitate to need me.

Blame It On The Goose Gotcha Feeling Loose

I know i don't need you but you make me feel good.
You made do things i didn't think i could do.
You make me let go and i have the most fun around.
You make me go crazy and people hate me around you.
But i love the feeling when we're together.

I swear i'll return to you after the mid-terms.
I don't need you but i want you so bad.
I miss you so bad.
Just wait for me and i'll be there soon.

An addiction is when you say you don't need it but do, i say i need it when i don't.
So it's fine.

Hi, I'm Yana and I'm absolutely fine.

So I Said It Might Be Funny To Keep Me Hanging In Suspense

Ever felt not like yourself one day?
Like you wake-up, get in the showers, get cleaned off, wear your clothes and when you look in the mirror to see how you look, you don't even recognise yourself?
Yeah exactly.

Ever felt like the one time you actually let go to feel new feelings, you just get shot back down and you start feeling that same amount of rejection and regret you felt before you made the decision to let go?
Ever feel like you picked up a strangers call?
Yeah exactly.

Ever felt the need to want to be better, look better, play smarter, study harder and to just feel better?
Ever felt like somehow something inside you is eating you up and you can't control the immensity of emotions running through your veins?
Yeah exactly.

Ever felt the need to close your eyes and take a deep breath to calm yourself before you slice someone's throat open?
Ever felt like wanting to hurt someone so bad just to get the attention off of your own pain?
Ever feel like just falling asleep in someone's arms?
Yeah exactly.

Ever feel like someone somewhere deserves to be you for a day just to feel how amazing you feel at one particular second of your life?
Ever feel like you wanna trade lives with someone so insignificant just to let them feel how it feels like to be apart of something amazing that is your life?
Yeah exactly.

Ever loved yourself so much that you build a wall around you so far deep in while wearing armour just so that the love of yourself doesn't get dented?
Ever just wanted to be alone cause that's all you can stand at the moment?
Yeah exactly.

Ever tried something so amazing you wanna freeze yourself in a capsule and never let that moment go?
Ever try to sneak behind someone and stab them in the back for calling you names you know shouldn't even be created for you?
Yeah exactly.

We face wonders, we face pain but it still doesn't give us a reason to admit defeat.

The Start of A New Belief

My most inner thoughts, scariest dreams and anything that has to do with me will be written in full details as of today in this blog.
Strict followers are loved, haters are ignored.
This is how i roll and i have more to do than to take care of your feelings.
This is my zone and this is where i come to get away.