Peace Of Mind

I write to heal myself and not to please others.
This way i am free.
Free to feel and be felt.
Free from barriers of the mind.

I write with no hesitation and no contemplation.
I write with pure emotion.
I don't write empty nothings.
I don't write when i have nothing to write.
I simply do it for the love of expressing.

If i can't jump off a building and land on my feet, I write.
If i can't fly, I write.
 I'll be honest and I'll be frank.
I'll be whoever that I feel i should be so.
I will read comments and i would appreciate it. 
But at the end of the day I write for me and for me i always will.

Loves!

Positivity

I love that feeling when you come back from a heavy duty day.
You know?
When your feet hurt and your heart is full of warmth.
Knowing it was a hectic day but knowing also that you didn't waste any of it.
Like you know that you used the day to it's fullest potential.
When you did everything you wanted to and more.
Realizing that days like this may never come a lot and you're left there being thankful for the day.
Be it simple or not.
You know and you feel it in your heart that you accomplished more than you expected.
Going to sleep knowing you finished what you wanted to do when you woke up.
When you feel energized and ready to keep going.

I almost never have these kind of days.
Or maybe i do but never get the chance to stop and enjoy these kind of days.
When you do stop, you wonder why you never did before.
The feeling is just exhilarating and you just want more.
It's a different kind of high.
The natural, fulfilling kind.
Not the sky scrapping, bungee jumping, sugar gliding kind.
The content, happy feeling of just knowing you are doing well and you can do better if you keep it up.
I am thankful for today.
Better yet, i am thankful to have stopped and cherished today.
I am thankful that i finally opened my eyes to how wonderful my life is.
The reality of my perspective on life.
My very own positive outlook on life.

I vow to cherish every moment, enjoy it to the fullest and keep a straight head.
I promise to have more days like these and make the best when it does come.
I promise to always have a positive outlook in life from now on.
Cause honestly, it's the best feeling.

Loves!

Love On Top

"You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I can always call.
When I need you make everything stop.
Finally you put my love on top." -Beyonce Knowles


In a few days, we'll be together for 6 months.
Been awhile since i've been in a long term relationship.

We've gone through hell and back.
Together hand in hand.
I honestly dont know any other guy who'd forgive me for the shit i've done to you.
I dont ever think any other guy can love me for who i am as how you do.
I'm possessive, controlling, clingy, mood-swingy yet you love me no matter what.
I'm just thankful to have met you.
I'm thankful to have known someone as amazing as you let alone be with you.
You make everything feel better and even though we fight, we just get stronger.
Stop doubting my love for you.

Thank you, Ahmad Arif, for being such a big part of my life.

Telling Myself It's All Worth It

You know that feeling where you kick something so hard many many times to lose feeling it your foot?
It somehow feels relevant to when i start explaining my heart to you.
I got so used to you and your emotions i had to keep my heart hurting.
Well not anymore.

You know that feeling of calling someone and you start making beats to the caller ringtone cause they dont pick up. And you know that.
They give you hope, crush it down right infront of you and you know you cant see them cry so you dust yourself off and walk away.

Have you ever felt like you're staring into very sad eyes and you want to just give the person a hug but you know that's not wise to do.
The feeling of guilt knowing you probably don't have the same feelings for the person as he or she has for you.
You watch as they try to impress you with whatever they have yet it's still not enough.
The feelings aren't there and you just can't explain why.

Have you ever felt so angry you clenched your fists and your head gets lighter. You feel so light, you can fly across the room and smash someone across their head?
Yeah me too.
Knowing the person was someone amazing. But that was before.
Knowing you looked up to her sometimes. But that was before.
She isn't the same but she will be soon.
Baby steps.

Have you ever felt so helpless, you wanted to crawl into a hole and die just to make things work easier and better.
You watch as something so strong withers into something fragile and weak and you can't do anything.
You try yourself to prevent it but you know you can't.
Cause no one and nothing can prevent the fate of everyone.
No one can prevent death.

Have you ever felt so unappreciated, you just leave and never come home just to let them tell the difference.
You feel like getting out is the best way and you don't ever want to come back.
You rather be with your friends than your family.
Cause for a little while, the burden on your shoulders feel lighter.
And you like that feeling and get used to it just to go back to it.
Cause you know, it's not what you want but what you need.
Then you crumble to the floor and return in a different state of mind.

But then,

Do you know the feeling of warm a special hug on a cold morning day.
Followed by some home-cooked breakfast and some good movies on the screen.
The feeling of a smile burning it's way into the side of your cheek.
The feeling of your heart smiling and being happy.
The feeling you get when you hold his hands, smell his perfume, watch him focusing.
Just staring into his eyes with so much promises and love.
His eyes that shine so bright when you're with him.
Those same eyes that forgave you time and time again.
He holds you close and you wished you could freeze it in time and just never let go.
Like you were so content you didn't mind dying at that exact time.
You feel like everything else can wait.
The way his hair flops around when he runs or the way he smile when he catches a glimpse of you watching.
How supportive he is in whatever you want to do.
He helps you with your work, your family, your friends.
He's flexible with you, he's caring, he's gentle, he's perfect for you.
You can tell him anything and talk to him about everything.
He makes you laugh and he genuinely puts a smile on your face.
That feeling, hold onto it.
Cause just like most feelings, they'll fade away, evaporate.
Love it, live it and hold onto it.
Cause even if you want it again, you'll never get it back.

Think about it.
Till then,

Loves!

Believe Me

So i'm back and you can eat your heart out.
There's isnt much to say but a lot to point out.

I will ignore negativity because i choose to.
I hate negativity so if you wanna bring it here, to MY blog, think again.
No one is shallow enough to layan someone so simple minded.

Anyways,
Life has been a roller coaster. Mostly fun and amazing but sometimes it can get bumpy.
I am thankful it hasn't been bad.
It's just... hectic. If you know what i mean.

I just want to get something of my chest.
I am not lost, blinded or wrong when it comes to my faith.
Just because i'm not screaming it out at the top of my lungs,
doesn't mean i shall stand back and keep quiet when someone points out so.
I have my beliefs, i am a proud Islam.
And if you were one, you wouldn't have time to be spiteful and mean.
If you were a true believer, you wouldn't have time to be so shallow.
Best way to show your true ways, be the best version of yourself.
Be someone everyone else looks up to.
No one wants to listen to street rat.
Just saying.

Cant take the honesty, walk away.

I'm back and i'm not gonna sugar coat anything for anyone anymore.

Loves! ;)

Ya'll Smoke To Enjoy, I Smoke To Die

Last night I found myself tossing and turning having difficulties in shutting myself down. I kept staring into space blanking out just to snap myself back to reality realising I'm still awake. I thought of a million and one things. They crossed my mind racing around one thought after another. Not really staying for long. One thought stayed for a maximum of 10 second each. I felt a little confused and restless. I tried shutting my eyes to force my lids to stay closed but I ended up staring right back to the ceiling failing the attempt to sleep.

Last night, I found myself weighing out the outcome of my life and the things I've ever said. Conscious or unconscious. Meant or not. Everything I have ever said and the intentions behind them. I thought of all the things I wished I could take back and the things I couldn't be happier to have said. Things I thought to say and forgot to say them. Things I ended just blurting out.

Will all I have ever said come back biting me in the ass?

I never care about what people think or have thought of me. I just always cared about what I thought of myself and what I think about myself. I may just be my own harshest judge. My own mind is both my power and weakness. Like a fight I constantly have to fight everyday. Telling myself one thing to another. It's as if I am one person with two minds to think. Like there are two voices constantly changing their minds and making me believe them both. One says I am worthless and one says I'm worth a million dollars.

I'll never understand myself nor will anyone I know. No one knows me because even I don't know myself. Oh well. I got my whole life to get to know you.

Till I find something new. Loves!

"What's your horoscope sign?"

Things are bumpy now. And frankly baby, it's gonna get worse. Life is like the roller coaster everyone looks at from a far thinking "That looks crazy enough for me to enjoy." Life is a constant up and down. Whether we enjoy it or whether it makes us sick, we get down from it with a whole lot of different thoughts running through our minds. All different thoughts from one another.

I think about all I have gone through and all my ups and downs and I would love to say I did all I could but I didn't. I didn't make the people I wanted to stay stay and I never shunned the people I wanted to leave soon enough. I kept waiting for something. Something until today I wonder if it would have helped or not. Either way, it's gone and things happened already. There is nothing I can do about what has happened but I want to believe I'll make a difference in the choices I will make to help what will happen.

I want to believe I have made something of myself since I was younger. Honestly, I do feel the change. It isn't a vast difference but it is something. Day by day, I'll grow and be more of the someone I wish to be someday. I got my eyes on my goals and I'll charge towards it without turning back.

Until the next time, goodnight moon and goodnight you and you're all I think about. All that I dream about.